Tis the Season of Love, Relationships and ... Conflicts - By Emily Kerlin
I have noticed that people, both married and single, tend to have strong feelings around Valentines Day. Some people say it is just a “scam holiday” that card makers want you to spend money on, while others say it is a day where we can be intentional about reminding the people closest to us, that we love them. Parents might argue that it is a stressful holiday because their kids are expected to pass out “chalk like” candies to all their classmates and then come home with even more candy! Maybe you find yourself feeling very alone or disconnected from relationships this season and you want to ignore the fact that February can tend to focus on love and relationships. No matter how you are feeling about this month, I believe God still works amid all our emotions and meets us exactly where we are; so, I challenge you to continue reading and see what He might reveal to you.
I am a therapist who enjoys working with couple’s (spoiler, we are a rare breed)! I love watching two people learn more about themselves, while learning more about each other and applying that knowledge to their relationship. It can be some of the most challenging and rewarding work to do and I do not take it for granted when I get to witness repair and growth within a relationship. It is interesting to me the way that there can be reoccurring themes that come up in couples therapy, no matter the presenting problem. It is also interesting to me that tools that seem to work to resolve issues in romantic relationships also seem to work for any kind of relationship.Since February tends to get this reputation of being the month about love and relationships, I thought I would share two things that can help us strengthen our relationships. As a disclaimer, this is not just for romantic relationships; these tools apply to all relationships in our life.
The first is making sure we are speaking the same language and the second is learning to fight fair. For us to experience healthy and clear communication, we must make sure we are speaking the same language. Often when we are talking with loved ones, we can tend to hear things that were not said. For example, someone might say “hey, can we talk?” and what you might hear is “They are mad at me, I am in trouble, and this is going to be a fight.” Because we respond from hearing a completely different message, miscommunication and confusion are now controlling the conversation; and no one is speaking the same language.
When we notice our reactions or responses not matching what was said, we need to be curious about our feelings and the person across from us. We need to slow down the conversation and ask, “what did you hear me say?” so that the language barrier can be broken. As therapists will often remind you, clarity is kindness.
The second thing that can help us strengthen our relationships is learning to fight fair. My goal for couples is not to eliminate fighting but rather helping them learn to fight fair. With romantic partners, friends and family, we tend to know how to press each other’s buttons or know what to say that will hurt them. It is unfair to use those things during a fight. Fighting fairly is when we put down the weapons and shields and begin to engage each other with curiosity and consideration rather than pain and pride.
I know that talking about relationships and love can also ignite some hard or sad memories, maybe even specifically around Valentine’s Day. It is true that even within relationships we struggle with feeling lonely, isolated or ignored. Maybe you are someone who has hoped Valentine’s Day (or any holiday) would provide a reset for your relationship, and the day became one filled with disappointment and disconnection.
A wise colleague of mine reminded me that we have the power to create new memories around days or seasons that were once filled with hurtful memories. We get to rewrite the script that might have once been filled with unkind words and unmet expectations. I encourage you to make this “month of love” whatever you want it to be. Maybe it looks like more friends around the table, intentional fun with your partner, one on one time with your kids, or even treating yourself to your favorite meal.
Lastly, as a therapist who works with couples and individuals in all seasons of life, I want to encourage everyone that Jesus tells us in John 10:10 (NIV), “I have come that they may have life and have it to the full”. You can have the full, abundant life that Jesus is talking about, with or without a partner. Whatever love looks like for you.