The holiday season can bring people around a table, who have not seen each other in a long time.  For some people, it feels exciting and enjoyable to share a meal or a cup of coffee with family or friends that they have not seen since the last holiday season.  For other people, that can feel exhausting and overwhelming, or even scary.  To be clear, there is room for all people and all feelings at the table, but not all behaviors.

As we approach the holiday season, it does feel different this year.  The reality of the tension and division the election has caused is almost palpable in certain rooms.  The place where you celebrate Thanksgiving, might be one of those rooms.  I want to provide you with some tools that can help you navigate the holiday season or even just help you engage with people who might have voted differently than you.

1. Manage your expectations

Whether it is the dinner menu, which sports team will win, or who people voted for, we all have expectations (most of them unspoken, I might add). Not only do we all have expectations, but we are all disappointed when they are not met.  I would encourage you to take some time and reflect on your expectations before sitting down at the Thanksgiving table.  Make sure your expectations are realistic for your family and that you are mindful of your expectations, so that when the disappointment shows up through anger, hurt, or sadness, you understand why.

2. Set boundaries

When we hear the word boundaries, we tend to picture a 10-foot-tall concrete wall, that communicates exclusivity and superiority. Let’s change that image to something more like a 5-foot-tall wooden gate that allows you to decide when you open and close it.  As you reflect on your expectations, decide as an individual what your boundaries are going to be.  For example, who will you engage in a political conversation with and who will you avoid this holiday.  Be wise and cautious with deciding if and how you communicate those boundaries.  Sometimes boundaries are meant to be internal.

3. Have a plan

As you have managed your expectations and set your boundaries, decide on a plan for how you are going to emotionally regulate. A plan can include when it will be time to leave, but it can also simply be when you know you might need to go for a walk, go to another room, quietly watch the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade or the Cowboys, probably lose.  Maybe part of your plan is deciding ahead of time whether you want to talk about politics at all.  Having a plan communicates that you are aware of what you need, what is healthy for you and how you are trying to provide that for yourself.

Paul tells us in Romans that “if it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.”  I often wonder if Paul is reminding us of two things in this passage.  The first thing is, it is not a guarantee that you will be at peace with every single person in your life.  There is a reason he puts that “if” at the beginning of the verse.  It alludes to this idea that there is a possibility that you could not be at peace with everyone.  The second thing he is reminding us of is that we play an active role in trying to be at peace with everyone.  We are responsible for doing our own internal work and reflection to try and be at peace with everyone, as far as it depends on us.  In other words, the responsibility is managing our expectations, setting boundaries, and creating a plan to regulate ourselves.